Silent Tears
by white06rose
Summary: Kaoru has been gone for 3 years because he feels as if he is a burden to his brother...And has finally come back a changed person.eventual slashHikaoru First Fanfiction!
1. Chapter 1

Prologue – A Silent Tear

"Three years," the man whispered to himself. Merely a small speck of dust in time, yet for Kaoru it felt like centuries. A great deal had changed since that one seemingly uneventful day, the day Hikaru began to forget him.

He sat in front of his old school, starring at the familiar pathways and uniforms. Very few faces looked familiar, but one stood out from all the rest...

...the face he saw in the mirror every morning.

His twin, Hikaru, laughing while talking to various unknown faces. Even if Kaoru had known the students speaking with his brother he would not have recognized them, because his eyes were filled with only the 'perfect' image of his brother.

As Kaoru sat in his extravagant limo with handcrafted leather seats from Italy he felt no relaxation or comfort that he normally felt. Instead he gazed at the pure cloudless blue sky, while his lips murmured without sound, "why does it hurt so much."

As Kaoru left the car a single tear leaked from an impossible deep blue, glassy eye.

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So what do you think? This is my first fanfiction, and only the prologue, so I need to know if it good enough to continue. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 1 – Past Reflections

* * *

Flashback

"Hikaru, you'll never leave me right? We...We'll always be together?"

"Of course Kaoru, together forever"

* * *

Three Years Ago...

'Flight 207-A now boarding'

"Now Kaoru, we have very few relatives in France, are you sure you want to finish schooling there?"

"Yes Mother, we have already talked about this. I am doing what I think is best for me. And...what is best for Hikaru."

The young boy embracing his mother, slowly sighed as he began to slowly walk toward the plane leading to his new future.

* * *

As Kaoru listened to the flight attendant drone on about the safety procedures and details of the flight, he slipped on his headphones and let the lilting classical music slowly lead him into a fitful dream-ridden sleep.

It was the same dream. The same dream I have always had lately. It haunts me, endlessly I am caught in memories that merge into nightmares until I don't know the truth from the dreams.

In my dreams it always happens; I always am left behind.

I first noticed the changes when the nights where we would comfort each other and hold each other in sleep slowly but steadily decreased. I could no longer glance into Hikaru's eyes and know what he was thinking. He wouldn't wait for me as he usually did, so we could go to school together. Hikaru would go directly to his room and slam the door, if he wasn't with HER. I could tell that she was the one that changed everything...

But that isn't right, it was all my fault. I was always selfish and jealous when it came to Hikaru. He was always the open one, laughing with people and having fun. But I...

I never was good with people other than Hikaru.

When Haruhi came it was like a door opened up for Hikaru. He began to make new friends, he became involved with the outside world, a world that accepted him and loved him. I however was still stuck in our 'old' fantasy dream world, a world only for Hikaru and me. The only problem was Hikaru had already woken up, while I was fast asleep.

I tried to wake up. Over and over I tried and failed, hoping to fit in with Hikaru but I always felt uncomfortable, so I began to avoid Hikaru when he was with his other friends only spending time with him at the host club or when it was just the two of us.

But those times slowly to became just dreams, fond memories that seemed so far away.

Little by little I felt myself wilt inside. Day by day a part of me died a little bit more, and he never noticed.

I began to eat less and less, sleepless nights were followed by night terrors, dreams filled with Hikaru telling me he didn't love me, that he had never cared. Night after night I heard him in my dreams screaming at me, hitting me, telling me how useless I was, how flawed I was.

I could no longer meet Hikaru's eye in the hallway, but in those days that rarely happened, he was to busy with his new friends... and the host club.

But the host club also suffered due to the growing distance between my brother and me. Our act once perfect and utterly beautiful became this sick facade that I used just to spend time in his presence, to be near his side.

It was only when Haruhi and Hikaru began dating that I realized that I was in love with my brother.

* * *

Is this okay for a first chapter? I know it is still rather short but I plan to progressively write larger chapters. 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 2 – Broken heart, Broken soul

* * *

Everywhere I turned, I saw only them. Them kissing. Them hugging. Them holding hands. With every step I took my heart broke a little more.

Hikaru looked so very happy. I was torn inside, of course I was glad that my brother had opened up and was overjoyed with his happiness with Her and his new experiences...

...But why did he not notice how alone I felt.

We had always done everything together and when that suddenly stopped I felt . . .lost. I stood in my bathroom and starred at my reflection. So very much had changed. My lack of appetite had taken its tole on my already stressed and weak body. My cream silk shirt was outlined by the faint lines of my ribs and my wrists had become like fragile, small pieces of paper. My once vibrant crimson hair was now dulled, knotted and rough. I was a walking skeleton who felt only apathy.

Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing mattered, except Hikaru's happiness. Something that now had nothing to do with me.

* * *

That cold, dark night he was with her on their fifth date, and I sat in my bathtub curled in a sobbing ball of misery. He had barely spoken to me but five words in the past two weeks. I no longer went to the host club in hopes that Hikaru would come looking for me and we could talk and spend time together.

. . . He never came.

My soul lay broken, shattered to pieces on the cold tile floor. I stood up and dragged myself to the mirror and starred. As I gazed upon my reflection I wondered how anyone could ever say that Hikaru and myself were ever identical.

Hikaru was perfect. His eyes were slightly smaller, and slanted more, giving his barely lighter-shaded eyes an exotic look. Lately due to my recent lack of nutrition, he was taller and filled out more, while I looked like a thin waif that could be blown down by a mere breath of wind. I was always too small, to feminine, while Hikaru was a perfect example of masculinity.

I finally turned away, unable to look at a face that was so like the one I loved, yet so completely different. However the mirror taunted me and as I snuck one last glance, I was once again ensnared with the haunting face that so closely resembled my beloved brother. In a fit of pure, unfiltered passion, absolute rage at the impossible situation I was in, total confusion and despair for the hopeless situation I was in, my fist met the disturbing image in the mirror and for one second the harmonious sound of breaking glass mirrored the clenching sound of my breaking heart. After that one moment all the strength had left my body, I collapsed on the floor and silently screamed while huge trembling cries shook my entire being. I lay there for what seemed like forever but would later learn it was only a few bare moments when I saw it.

It gleamed and shined in the artificial light of the almost dim bathroom. Winking at me, promising me that it could end everything, that it could take away all the pain.

The thought of silence, peace, and finality called to me so strongly. As I cut two ragged lines across my thin paper wrists all I could think was that...

...I hope this will make Hikaru happy.

* * *

Well I leave it here..

This is not the end...

I as the authoress will not allow Kaoru to die

anyway...tell me what you think

* * *

Preview Chapter

With the sweet taste of death upon my lips, my eyelids grew heavy with the weight of the world, and as I closed my eyes I could faintly hear my mother's screams as I drifted into unconsciousness, and one lone tear trailed down my cheek.

White. Everything was white.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 3 – Heart-wrenching decisions

* * *

With the sweet taste of death upon my lips, my eyelids grew heavy with the weight of the world, and as I closed my eyes I could faintly hear my mother's screams as I drifted into unconsciousness, and one lone tear trailed down my cheek.

* * *

White. Everything was white. White and oh so quiet. This disturbing unnatural peacefulness jerked me from my half-conscious state and I found myself paralyzed, my body only dead-weight as I lied in a cold, sterile hospital bed.

As I painfully, slowly turned my head a nurse walked into my new hellishly impersonal room followed by my shaking, frantic mother.

As she looked at me I visibly flinched as she screamed the one question I desperately did not want to answer. "Why?"

In a pathetic attempt to never reveal my disgusting secret I breathlessly whispered back, "I don't know."

By now, my mother a shaking mass of emotion, hit me, my body swaying effortlessly due to the extremely dangerous amount of lost blood. And as suddenly as her violent spasms began, she soon became gentle and caring whispering sweet nothings into my ear, "Everything will be okay Kaoru, mother's with you now."

I did not have the heart to tell her nothing would ever be alright again and the one I needed the most to be with me would always by my other half, my twin, Hikaru.

Hikaru never knew about my failed attempt to take my own life, my pathetic failure of finally achieving peaceful rest. Sometimes I wonder if he would even care.

* * *

From that day on I have always worn long-sleeves. Nobody but my mother and the hospital knows about "IT" not the host club, not Hikaru, not even my father. My mother insisted upon spending more time with me, checking up on me every half hour. It was only a matter of time before she found out the truth.

People at school finally began to glance at me oddly, as if I was some unusual specimen that needed to be categorized and thus understood. From then on things got only worse, at school I was either ignored and considered the "freak twin" or bullied because nobody cared or stood up for the "loser."

And just like usual...

...Hikaru never noticed.

* * *

One day, after school as I opened the door rumpled from yet another 'beat up the freak' session, I saw my mother staring at my with cloudy eyes, and before I could ask what was wrong she had already glided up to me in yet another of her stunning creations, and whispered in my ear, "I know."

My body stiffened as my eyes glazed over with shock. I shouted a mantra over and over yet again in my mind, thinking, 'She does not know, she can not know or she wouldn't be holding me so tenderly."

I looked up into her eyes and for the first time saw something that I had needed for such a long time...

...Understanding

Understanding...and love.

Not pity, not hate, not disgust and in that moment I knew that she somewhat understood that her son was in love with his twin brother, and she was willing to help her son through the pain.

That day the house was silent, the only sounds were soft whimpers and nearly silent sobs as mother and son held onto each other both crying at the unfairness in the world, and the unrelentless pain (for Kaoru a forbidden, unreturned love and for his mother the hurt felt from knowing a person precious to her is in pain) both of them felt helpless against.

* * *

Well sorry. I had planned to have a larger chapter, but before I could save my computer just shut down. So HOPEFULLY! I can add what would have been the second half of this chapter tomorrow.

By the way my computer has been experiencing some problems lately so I do not know how reliable the updates will be...so sorry!


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 4 – What happens now?

* * *

After that day, Kaoru although sill in immeasurable pain caused from the love he held as well as from the neglect from his twin, had found a pillar of support. His mother and him had become even closer, she was the confidant to whom he could relinquish all his pain and all his darkest desires and secrets.

Never once did she betray him or make him in any way feel guilty, dirty, or unwanted. And although her opinion still mattered less to him in comparison to Hikaru's , she had become one of the most precious and important people in his life.

Kaoru's mother had once been considered a beautiful, young rose, a paradigm of French nobility, and in her matured age she had become a rose in full bloom. Her grace and style was legendary and only helped her as she became a famous designer, her fashion labels and new designs fought over by many influential people.

As she helped him through his problems slowly, he began to take after and learn from his mother, how he had once followed and took after his elder brother, Hikaru. She began to teach him her home tongue, French, as well as the languages she was brought up knowing, both Latin and Italian, to help distract him from his all consuming pain. He also began to thrust himself into his studies like never before, working himself tell he was to exhausted to think or even dream.

Other little slightly noticeable differences occurred in the mannerisms of Kaoru. Unknowingly due to his mother's presence, Kaoru became interested in classic poetry, music, and art because when his mother found nothing else to talk about she switched to the topics which she knew best.

However, even though Kaoru now had his mother's guidance and support he felt overwhelming despair and pain. His mother had thought of everything and did not know what to do to bring her son back to life short of making Hikaru talk and work things out with his twin. But knowing just how disastrous the consequences could be she would not gamble with her son's life, for if Hikaru ever rejected Kaoru she had no doubt in her mind that he would try to end his life once again.

So when the invitation came in the mail she knew what she had to do.

"Kaoru, you know since 'IT' happened, that your grades have vastly improved greatly.

...well...you know the school I attended in France only accepts students with certain aspects and credentials correct?...Honey, ...you've been invited...and..well...I think you should go."

I stood there in shock, my mother wanted me to leave...did she...did she not want me anymore.

I knew it. I knew no one could love me; I am to disgusting, to dirty. It was no wonder that even my own mother would hate me.

Seeming to sense my eminent break down she hugged my not letting go no matter how hard I tried to get away. My tears began to soak one of her latest fashion designs, and I once again berated myself for once again doing something wrong. Waiting to be yelled at I closed my eyes, silent tears trailed down my cheeks as my muscles tensed as if waiting for physical hits to blow down.

"Honey...I still want and love you Kaoru, and I always will...

I...I just thought this would be a good opportunity for you...I ...I mean you could get away from everything here and relax for a bit."

She sighed, brushing my hair tenderly with a love in her eye's that I know could not possibly be feigned. "I know that since Hikaru joined the soccer team and began to seriously date Haruhi that you have been even more depressed than ever...and ...and I...I just thought that if you left for a little, went to a more welcoming environment...that you could get a fresh start.

I know...

...I know that you will always love your brother and never forget him, but... I had hoped that you could find something new to live for."

I stared into my mother's eyes that she had given to me and my brother. Those eyes so full of purity and kindness, and I knew she was telling no falsehoods.

But one thought confused my already stressed brain, a certain memory of my mother talking of her former school ringed over and over on my mind.

"But mother, didn't you say that your old school was also an art school and every student had to excel in at least two art areas?" This fact had completely vexed me and although I had improved in my studies, but I had joined no clubs or had done nothing to show my growing love for music and poetry.

By now my mother had begun to fidget, her hands wringing in her lap, and looking extremely nervous, she stuttered, "w..well..um..sweetie...uh..you..kn..know how...well..um..how should I say this..well..youknowhowIopenedupastoretosellonlymydesignsrightwell,Ihavebeenplayingyourmusicanddisplayedsomeofyourmoreatisticpoemsonmywalls...(translation: you know how I opened a store to sell only my designs right. Well, I have been playing your music and displayed some of your more artistic poetry).

Although it was amusing to watch my always articulate mother fumble for words and struggle noticeably for composure, inside Kaoru was confused wondering if he should feel elated that his mother was so proud of him that she displayed his work or disappointed and betrayed that she had not asked him for his permission.

As he listened to her stutter on he decided he felt more pleased that she thought he was important enough and his handwritten and original works good enough for her to display them to wealthy, important clients.

His mother stopped her jumbled murmurings when she felt her son jump into her arms telling her how much he loved her. She held him in her grasp upset that her son was going to leave, but happy that he would finally get the help and attention she could not give him.

* * *

Although he would miss Hikaru more than words itself could express, he did for once what he thought was best for himself, and if it was what he thought was best for Hikaru that was just an added bonus...right?

As he left to go to the airplane, he took a quick stop to Hikaru's room and kissed him once, just once ever so softly on the mouth and as he left the room, closing the door softly he whispered in a heartbroken voice, "I love you." and left, silent tears streaking down from eyes flooded with an untold pain.

* * *

This chapter is over! Finally (this is the longest chapter, I have ever written, but it may have a few errors and I have some more bad news, well...I have to go somewhere with my family tomorrow so I may not be able to update...sorry.)

* * *

Chapter Preview (also find out the reason Kaoru came back)

'So here I am yet again,' Kaoru thought to himself, here he was again, trapped in a place that even now symbolized a hell full of tears and pain.

Kaoru took a deep, calming breath as he opened the door to his homeroom class and found all eyes locked on him including the eyes that haunted him every waking and sleeping moment of his life...

...Hikaru's eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 5 – Back Again

* * *

'So here I am yet again,' Kaoru thought to himself, here he was again, trapped in a place that even now symbolized a hell full of tears and pain.

Kaoru took a deep, calming breath as he opened the door to his homeroom class and found all eyes locked on him including the eyes that haunted him every waking and sleeping moment of his life...

...Hikaru's eyes.

Kaoru stared into the depths his older twin's blue orbs, asking him endless questions, questions that would take eternity to be asked, questions that Hikaru would never understand, questions Hikaru could never answer.

As Kaoru unknowingly gazed almost longingly into his brothers eyes, his thoughts began to wander, back to his mother and why he was home.

Every week his mother had spoken of his old life, keeping him updated on all the special events, all the precious moments of his brother's that he was missing. Kaoru new so much about Hikaru but, at the same time he knew so little the very thought was staggering.

Oh yes, Kaoru knew about Hikaru's various flings and sexual escapades after his abrupt break-up with Haruhi that occurred only three months after Kaoru himself had left the country. Supposedly if the information from his mother was to be trusted (and there was no other being alive in which he believed in more) Hikaru had taken a new girl every week or so since he had broken up recently, but she had caught her son on numerous occasions with various young men in compromising positions around the house.

He also knew his elder brother had recently been named captain of the soccer team and although his position as the half of the "forbidden love" was over, he continued as a popular member, sought out after by many young girls.

But what Kaoru did not know was what possibly could have happened for Haruhi and Hikaru, a promising, seemingly totally in love young couple, to break up. Why was Hikaru a once straight A student now passing with only low C's? What had happened that changed Hikaru so much, all at once his errant thoughts ceased as the English teacher questioned him once again trying to call his attention and introduce him to the class.

* * *

"What was that," Kaoru asked once his pondering was stopped abruptly. The teacher, waved his hand vaguely in the direction of a corner filled with empty desks. He nodded slightly, and walked to the far corner seat by the window, and gazed down upon the beauty that could be seen in the brilliance of the sky. In his brief wonderings, as the teacher introduced himself to the class ,he had missed the shocked and almost leering looks of his fellow highschool peers. For the once diminutive boy had has the cliche goes had 'become a man,' albeit a very feminine, exotic looking man. He no longer could be mistaken for Hikaru's twin, brother perchance, but the physical differences time had given to the two siblings was to great for them to be a mirror of each other.

Kaoru had grown his hair long, and it was braided stopping midback, and looked silkily soft. He wore his luxuriously clothes with an uncaringness which would have made most look pompous, but not so with Kaoru. His silk white shirt tucked halfway in his pants billowed about with his graceful movements, sensually hiding and at other times revealing portions of Kaoru's slim build, and his tight leather pants clung almost jealously to his skin. As he began to glance around the room with chillingly blue eyes, the other students noticed his long silky lashes that brushed upon pure white, unblemished skin lightly, and hiding those beauty filled orbs that seemed to not take notice of the appreciation of the his peers.

Indeed Kaoru had not seen the lopsided grins, and doe eyes directed toward him, instead his mind focused on much more pressing and serious matters. The reason he was here...

his mother...

* * *

Sorry it has taken longer than expected to download chapters, and my computer 'accidently' erased my chapters I had made in advance in spare time to download...and with thanksgiving holidays and it being the last quarter of the semester, it will sadly (..tear) take me even longer to write chapters, but I will persevere (ooohh..big word). Well, sorry and sorry and sorry again.

* * *

Preview

As I looked at my little brother standing in the doorway, my twin, my other half, my brother who I had missed for these last years, all I could think was he is standing in front of me at last. But instead of the usual feeling of relief that usually should and did accompany my heart by gazing at my younger brother, I instead felt a small churning in my stomach...

...as my mind vaguely recalled a haunntingly bittersweat dream of an innocent kiss.


End file.
